Mermaids are fictional creatures. How do we know? Because if they truly existed, Donald Trump would have organized them into a tacky, overblown pageant by now. But that didn’t stop Discovery Channel from unleashing its program Mermaids: the Body Found in 2012.
Called a “docufiction”, it plays like a regular documentary, except that it’s, you know, not. It purports to show scientific evidence that mermaids may be real, and includes some bad CGI of mermaids frolicking with regular sea creatures and doing other mermaid things. It first aired on Animal Planet in May of 2012, and almost no one watched because it’s of course preposterous. No, sorry … actually, millions watched. The show had 2 million viewers for its initial broadcast in the U.S., and more than 10 million, including repeats, that week: making it the network’s most watched telecast since the Steve Irwin memorial special in Sept., 2006.
Discovery Channel repeated it this past Sunday, and that’s when former Minnesota Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe, now with the Raiders, happened to see it for the first time. Kluwe’s never been shy about expressing his views, especially on Twitter, and he’s pretty entertaining. So if you’ve never seen Mermaids: The Body Found, this’ll give you a pretty good idea:
My wife is forcing me to watch Mermaids on the Discovery Channel. HALP ME HALP ME HALP ME HALP ME #OHMYGODTHISSHOWASDFGAFFAGSGBRAINASPLODE
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
They are just flat out making shit up on this show. "The biosonar herpaderps the mental map mermaids. It's because Science!"
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
They couldn't even spring for halfway decent CGI. I hate myself and everything about the world right now. Pull the plug. It's over. #mermaid
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
I just. I don't. What even. Now there's a shadowed man with a voice masker talking about the mermaid conspiracy. #BRAINHURTYBADTIME
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
The thing that worries me is that even though this is a mockumentary type thing, there are SO MANY DUMB PEOPLE that would believe it's true.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Announcer Guy is one bad teleprompt away from totally cracking into a nervous breakdown. "Are mermaids re- AHAHAHAHHAHAH <gnaws arm off>"
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Voice-Masked Shadow Man is back. I think he's actually Jack Bauer. Scientists better watch themselves. This mermaid shit got real.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Now it's turning into the Bourne Identity. I'm waiting for these scientists to launch a covert attack on the police station.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Okay, no joke, this shit belongs on Siffy. This is Megashark vs. Giant Octopus level horsebuggery. Only with worse stock footage.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Announcer Guy: "Are mermaids re… You know what? I'm a goddamned human being. I'm not doing this shit anymore. Fuck y'all."
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Apparently the target demographic enjoys Bud Light Straw-ber-itas. That actually explains a lot.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
You guyz! Blue whales protect mermaids! Also, mermaids levitate in water because they never move their tailfins when they're just chilling.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
THERE IS NEW EVIDENCE.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Mermaids are Neanderthals and we will kill them because of government conspiracies I don't even want this world to exist anymore.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Shows like this are why people don't take things like PRISM seriously. BANG-UP JOB DISCOVERY. WAY TO STUPIDIFY THE HUMAN RACE FOR MONEY.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
Cut shot to Announcer Guy's studio: <blood spattered walls, a lone mermaid professor's head impaled on the table>
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
"EVERY MEMBER OF THE KARDASHIAN FAMILY TWEETED ABOUT THEIR INTEREST IN THIS SHOW." I lied. Now we can pull the plug. It's been real.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
My uncle was in the Navy. I'm gonna call him right now and get the lowdown on this mermaid shit. Stay tuned.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
My uncle told me if I ever wake him up again with a mermaid question, they'll never find the body. THE PLOT THICKENS. %conspiracy
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013
The only people watching this kind of show at that time are drunk or on drugs anyway, so you could TOTALLY fuck with some minds.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) June 16, 2013