Has anyone noticed how disturbing some of the current versions of NFL mascots are? There’s something distinctly off about most of them, and I don’t mean off like how your nephew Todd likes to eat the entire apple, seeds included. I mean off like – we should always be keeping an eye on these guys. At the very least, they should register as “creepy NFL mascots that probably did prison time,” wherever they live.
This is the first in a series of articles over the next few weeks that will detail the likelihood that these creepy NFL mascots has probably been incarcerated for a time – or will be spending some time in prison in the near future.
Raider Rusher – Probably Did Prison Time
The Oakland Raiders’ mascot probably did prison time. It’s a very likely scenario. I really don’t even have to explain anything else about the mascot, other than the fact he’s the Oakland Raiders’ mascot, and you can probably agree – yeah, he probably spent some time upstate.
But – for the sake of this article, we’ll dig a little deeper.
First, the guy has no torso. There’s no doubt he was picked on mercilessly as a child – until he hit that growth spurt and was suddenly able to headbutt every bully into a different hemisphere. Hell, the guy even welded some spikes on top of his head. He’s like a smiling rhinocerous, hellbent on destroying all AFC West foes in its path.
Secondly, “Rusher” is wearing a mask, so as to hide his true identity. (This is also what burglars do on every cartoon I’ve ever seen.)
Thirdly, each hand has a thumb and three fingers – which makes me guess the fifth digit on each hand was removed during some sort of safe-blasting gone bad.
The Oakland Raiders will be unveiling a new mascot. Here he is: The Raider Rusher pic.twitter.com/XERNYh6xMV
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) September 22, 2013
Interestingly, this character actually came from Nickelodeon’s NFL Rush Zone, and it was introduced not as the team’s mascot, but as its mascot for kids.
This just got serious.
Luckily, I don’t think there’s anything perverted about this fella, since the lack of torso could also indicate a lack of danger zones.
The death of Al Davis in 2011 forced the Raiders to find another scary mascot, and two years later, they certainly did.
Our very own Rick Chandler did his own snooping around a couple years ago, when he said “Raider Rusher Steals Children’s Souls.”
”Police record: Stalking, annoying, second-degree burglary, check forgery, indecent exposure, tax evasion.” — Chandler
Until next week, please beware of Raider Rusher. If you see him, give him a wide berth – not just because he’s dangerous, but because of those spikes on his head. He’s the least huggable mascot since Porcupine Paul from a few years back.